Thoughts Just had my appiontment with the crisis team today, and at one point i asked him wether he sees alot of schizophrenics, and he says hes seen alot, and that most of them keep up a part time job. This leads me to think why going out for me is so mipossible, i must have agoraphobia on top of it then, i thought the two go hand in hand. I think the reason why im also agoraphobia is the what lead and perpetuated me to the total schizophrenic breakdown. It wasnt just a profound contradiction in me that had finally come to the surface, spured on perhaps by some devastating affect or potential trigger, i was humiliated and pressureised into a schizophrenic breakdown, to the point where reality became a surreal nightmare. There was a devastating thing that happened, something i wont say, but all in all it was the above that led me to be trapped in a nightmare. I really lost my way when i became a teenager, due to my schizophrenogenic parents but especially due to my intentional dad, this was something, a profound contradiction that had been building up in me for a long time, since my earliest years. I had my inherent good (perfect, wether you believe it or not) nature, a mum who, spured on but a 'emotionally' abusive husband was inherantly good intentioned, and a dad who was like a devil, a evil recluse who never left the house for what it seemed at the time to terrify me all the more. The things he would say, tell me to do and the way to act were at a complete opposite than those i got from my mum, and were always contradictory in themselves. He used to take tons of drugs (thats all hed do all day), and would either be in one of two extremes, completely off balance, behavior that if it were boserved by anyone of experience would get him into a hospitol. He was either ridiculously, sickeningly happy to the point of, not crying, but weeping. A truly pathetic sight. Or he was in the absolute and complete contradiction and opposite, a for all intentional purposes sadist, a twisted contradiction who never talked but only shouted, that was his normal vioce, who would invent things to scold me about and even do these things over the things he told me to do. That was the uneggagerated father firgure i had as a child, i wont even tell you the rest as i cant put it into words. When I grew up, the anxiety of moving to highschool, and having nothing to fall back on (no faith in a stablised Self) all that contradcition, all that i knew came to the surface and turned me into something that to the core i wasnt, and thats what i mean when i say i lost my way as a teenager, and what led to that devastating impact that completely pushed me over the edge. It was a situation after that though, when i experienced in one moment the edstruction of the foundtation of the ego. This was one evening after i had come back from a night out with my friends at the age of 15, i got railed by my parents for it being eleven o clock without having called, whereas i was used to staying out much later. It was only my dad, he had gotten my mum in hysterics for no reason (that shitheaed!), and he kept pushing me over the edge. As i were walking up the stairs he was walking, right behind me, and said "are you drunk?", making me extremely self-conscious, something he used to do alot in my childhood as well with my being overweight, it makes you extremely self-conscious when youve got the drive of schizophrenia and someone is walking directly behind you, right up to you, commenting on you. But anyway, so i went up to my room and, my parents burst in with my mum in hysterics, and my dad with the most incredibly, undistcirably fucking, stupid smirk on his face, and i commited the first act of self harm that night in front of them, i hit myself in the head four times. Then my mum woke up, and walked out upset, and thats when i saw my dad, and he closed the door. I should say that it was the devastating thing that happend more than the events of the night that forced me to do whats next, it had been maturing in me for quite a while by then, and the events of that night just ripened it completely. I took my hunting knife from under my bed and attempted to cut myself first horizontally across my forearm. I felt absolutely nothing, and all i saw was a white line in the dim light of the night sky. I pressed a bit harder this time and attemtped to cut another line directly through it, but the knife missed and went across the edge of it. This falier, completely pushed me, entirely over the edge, and i pressed with all my strenght this time right across both of them, so i ended up with almost a star on my forearm. How to disricbe the sensation! It was like being disovled in a white sea. The dimension opened up through the cancellation of the potentially enormous physical pain through the gigantic emotion pain. Thats a night that ive never felt anything like it before, but i looked back at my arm and both were still only white lines, but one was split open, but there was still no blood (due to their being clean cuts) so i got into bed and almost fell asleep, with the most enourmaous experience still fresh on my conscience, knowing that when i woke up i wont be the same. It was only after a couple of minutes that my arm felt damp, and it was covered with blood. I look back at it now, and see that all three would have eneded stitches. But it was the events that followed that proved this experience wasnt just a 'mad rush' but was in fact a disintergration of the foundtaion of the ego, as i was never the same after it and continually lost my grip on things, until at last, the actual Self disolved and i became trapped in a nightmare, just like the end of the story the Double with goldyaking (a book you would definately read). I cant be bothered to clean this post up and finish it, all the infomation is here if you read back and iece it together. I was humiliated and so forth into a breakdown, do to the destruction of the foundtation of the ego, until eventually the ego dispersed.