Thoughts 2 So i got a emergancy appiointment under way with the GP, woke up late, had a cold shower and left for it to be there at ten. I explained the situation to him with my intention of getting on some medication to take me out of this now completly unbearable state of mind seen as i would now be pushed to the back of the que with the pychiatrists - and he said he would sort something out and would give me a call showing his intention of getting me medicated. Later that day i got a completly unexpected appiontment with the pychiatrists, half and hour before the appiontment. So i got myself ready and got my mum to drive me across the road (walking would be infinity crushed into the space of five minutes), and had the meeting. This was with my futre psychiatrist, who seems ok. After much ado, him and a social worker suggested a stay in hospital for a few days, just to get me checked over and make sure i dont show any unfavorable reaction to the medicine i would now be on. After explaining this would be quite a embrassing situation, i agreed; with the idea in my head of it being a stay in a ward full of medicated people staying in their rooms, occasionally talking to a nurse and the psyc throughout the day - i was looking forward to it in a way in that experiences like this condense me to read all day and i progress mentally that way - being trapped in a room with no tv etc and the anxiety (whihc would be slight with people staying in there room{in relativity}) of having to go out, and having to talk with these people i would have to be prepared mentally. So they assigned me a bed and i had two hours ot get my stuff together, which i did in fifteen minutes, spending the rest of the time doing a bit of Chi-gung to get me psysically and mentally up for it (its in both respect exhausting - in a similar yet different way to rigorous solely physical exercise. After you complete the set you go into a kind of neutral euphoria). So i went their with my expectations (as always) to be turned on their head, nothing ever turns out to my benefit, however reasonalbe i am! It was full of patients who didnt seem in a certain respect to have a problem at all, and were even more in a certain sense discriminate than other people. I thought there would have been other schizophrenics there for example, but there wasnt so it seems, at least i didnt see any anxious people there. I made a good first impression on the nurses but this soon faded when they sore i never came out of my room and my reason for being there (i must give of a strage impression to people when im 'normal', ive already been through the inability to hide my stuctureless mind, where a look will just shatter me like glass both inside and out, now its just inside with suttle affects outside). The junior doctor who i met first day there was a nice person, he too thought, after much rigorous questioning, that i was sensitive and just a strange sensitive indiviual (the same conclusion the first psychiatrist came to) who has been building castles in the sky for some reason, dispite admitting "Its a very strange castle to build". These things are not castles in the sky, though! They coudlnt be more real, when i talk its from a oblivion, i just say the first thought that shoots up from there, its never a lie (i cant do that you would pick me a mile of) but it could be wrong, but there would be a reason for it being wrong. So e.g. when a psychiatrist asked me wether i personalise what i read, i said "no" whereas i do, but in my eyes its justified but i also do this with the tv which obviously isnt (it used to be excruciating before, if someone was humiliating themselves on there i would feel it supersensivitly as though it were me, now its not bad in that respect, but things still spur me to day dream) - theres also a under-intention there that doesnt want to drop thjis mask or give the right impression, the "kernal of schizophrenia" as lain cioned it, but i dont feel like writing about that at the moment (thats to deep for me)- this intention just takes you into a labyrinth of unintentional impressions and oblivion. So i went to the hospital, and soon had my expectations blown away as soon as i settled into my room (schizophrenically). The time i spent there was seriously like a infinity. I had no concept of time, as you dont in this kind of anxiety - a clock is meaningless except as a reference to the moving digits. i spent a totally of five whole days there. From the moment i got in the room (I was lucky to have got athe only 'room' whereas the other patentis had a curtain about them) people were outside my room as there wre sofas outside it and a smoking room next door. These people didnt seem to have a serious problem at all and were very socialble and therefore sharp spirited, i had a window in my door which forced me to lay on my bed in such a way as to have to cross my legs so i couldnt be seen through the window, and spend my days like this, or lay with my back to it. I ahte people looking at me enough, but to have them looking at me when im unawares is unbearable. And i also had the hell of wakling through the corridor when i got summoned - where the kernal of schizophrenia gives me a awkard step and funny walk from walking through the 'blast furnace'. One of the things i thought of while there and forgot to tell the psychiatrist was of an image of trying to put this across. Its like my spirit is five feet (like the the zen five foot pole) above me, tenuously linked to my body - in a absolutely stifeling darkness. Whilst my body is stinfining and becomeing more dead and akward. My time there really was up there with the worst in experience, but things like this are good as they totally take me out of my day and habits (i cant wait to set back in to lethargic indolance again). People seem to think it fine if a problem affects you objectively, that you can still show some signs of a stuctured Self underneath - but not real problems, then your on your own! When ever i would coe back home for the day (as i started doing after the second, on the thrid i think) I would be totally and utterly, mentally and physically exhausted, to the point where i couldnt move really or hold my neck up - from the intensity of experience and the lack of energy through the meds. Now, even though im on a higher dose, they just make me a bit drowsey and 'irritable', restless yet with a lack of wanting to do anything (not nice). Schizophrenia is so fundamentally intense that it actually saps the vitality out of you! And you dont feel good after (not the same as exercise, the real vitality of you). Your actual 'spirit' is exhasted, your internals are burning - it even affect the way you move your bowels it affects you so much, they burn even. So on the friday i had a meeting with the 'crisis team' who do home visits and affectivly "bring the ward to you". One thing that surprised me was how well i talked dispite all this with the psychs, i think because i was actually talking about the only thing i think about - i felt therefore no axiety with them. I was for once 'being myself' with no pressure of stabilising a mask in a 'blast furnace', with no pressure on how to act as such. I got discharged for the weekend and had to go back today for nine thrity, to get their results. They accepted me and came round today to deliever my medication, and will now come every day to check up on me, for eight weeks i think.