The world is deep,

deeper than day can comprehend.

/"You'll do better, Licinius, not to spend your life

Venturing too far out on the dangerous waters,

Or else, for fear of storms, staying too close in

To the dangerous rocky shoreline."

/Truning and turning in the widening gyre

The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;

Mere anacry is loosed upon the world ...

Surely some revelation must be at hand.

/What were we doing when we unchained this earth from its sun? Wither is it moving now? Wither are we moving? away from all suns? Are we not lplunging continually? Backward, sideward, forward, in all directions? Is there still any up or down? Are we not straying as through an infinate nothing? Do we not feel the breath of empty space? Has it not bebcome colder? Is not night continually closing in on us?

/The sun is cursed by all men jaded;

To them the worth of trees is - shaded!

/Slipp'ry ice

Is paradise

As long as dancing will suffice

/My mind is like a jade jar of ice,

Never invaded by even half a moat of dust

Though the jade jar be obscured without,

I pay no mind at all -

On the terrace of Immortals,

I climb straight to the highest level

Churchill: "August 14th 19944./ The P.M. was in a speculative mood today. When I was young," he ruminated, "for two or three years the light faded out of the picture. I did my work. I sat in the House of Commons, but black depression settled on me. It helped me to talk to Clemmie about it. I dont like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand right back and if possible to get a pillar between me and the train. I dont like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second's action would end everything. A few drops of desparation. And yet I dont want to go out of the world in such moments. Is much known about worry, Charles? It helps me to write down half a dozen things which are worrying me. Two of them, say, disappear, about two nothing can be done, so it's no use worrying, and two perhaps can be settled. I read an American book on the nerves, 'the Philosophy of Fate'; it interested me a great deal." I said: "Your trouble-I mean the Black Dog business-you got from your forebears. You have fought against it all your life. That is why you dislike visiting hospitals. You always aviod anything that is depressing." Winston stared at me as if i knew to much." "On one of his birthdays a few years before, in answer to my sister Diana's exclamation of wonderment at all the things he had done in his life, he asid: "I have achieved a great deal to have ahcieved nothing in the end." We were listening to the radio and reading the always generous newspaper eulogies. "How can you say that?" she said. He was silent. "There are your books," I said. "And your paintings," Diana followed. "Oh yes, yes, there are those." "And after all, there is us," we continued. "Poor comfort we know at times: and there are children who are greateful that they are alive." He acknowlaged us with a smile. . . ."

"Estragon: We always find someething, eh, Didi, to give us the impression that we exist?

Vladimir (impatiently): Yes, yes, we're magicians. But let us presevere in what we have resolved, before we forget."

Camus: "What then is that incalculable feeling that deprives the mind of the sleep necessary to life? A world that can be explained even with bad reasons is a familiar world. But, on the other hand, in a universe suddenly divested of illusions and lights, man feels an alien, a stranger. His exile is without remedy since he is deprived of the memory of a lost home or the hope of a promsed land. This devorce between man and his life, the actor and his setting, is properly the feeling of absurdity. All healthy men have thought of their own suicide, it can be seen, without further explanation, that there is a direct conection between this feeling and the longing for death ... The principle can be established that for a man who does not cheat what he believes to be true must determine his action. Beleif in the absurdity of existance must then dictate his conduct. It is ligitimate to wonder, clearly and without false pathos, whether a conclusion of this importance requires forsaking as rapidly as possible an imcomprehensible condition. I am speaking, of course, of men inclined to be in harmoy with themselves ... But allowance must be made for those who, without concludeing, continue questioning [suicide]. Here I am only slightly indulgeing in irony: this is the majority. I notice also that those who answer "no" act as if they thought "yes". As a matter of fact, if I accept the Nietzschean criterion, they think yes in one way or another."

Nietzsche: "What distinguishes the common nature is that it unflinchingly keeps sight of its advantage, and that this thought of purpose and advantage is even stronger than its strongest drives; not to allow these drives to lead it astray to preform inexpiditious acts - that is its wisdom and self-esteem. In comparison, the higher nature is more unreasonable - for the noble, magnanimous, and self-sacrificing person does in fact succumb to his drives; and in his best moments, his reason pauses. An animal that protects its young at the risk of its own life or during the mating period follows the female unto death does not think of danger or death; its reason likewise pauses because the pleasure in its brood or in the female and the fear of being depreived of this pleasure dominate it totally; the animal becomes stupider than it normally is - just like the person who is noble and magnanimous. Such persons have several feelings of pleasure and displeasure so strong that they reduce the intellect to silence or to servitude: at that point their heart displaces their head, and one speaks thenceforth of 'passion'. (Occassionally we also encounter the opposite, the 'reversal of passion', as it were; for example, somebody once laid his hand of Fontenelle's heart and said, 'What you have here, my dear sir, is also brains.') The unreason or odd reason of passion is what the common type dispises in the noble, especially when this passion is directed at objects whose value seems quite fantastic and arbituary. He is annoyed by the person who succumbs to the passion of the belly, but at least he comprehends the appeal that plays the tyrant in this case; he cannot comprehend how anyone could, for example, risk health and honour for the sake of a passion for knowledge. The higher natures taste is for exceptions, for things that leave most people cold and seem to lack sweetness; the higher nature has a singular value standard. Moreover, it usually believes that the idiosyncrasy of its taste is not a singular value standard; rather, it posits its values and disvalues as generally valid and so beomces incomprehensible and impractible ... Now, when such exceptional people do not themselves feel like exceptions, how can they ever understand common natures and arrive at a proper estimate if the rule! ..."

"One must not anaylise onself while having an experience."

"The preponderence of pain over pleasure is the -cause- of that fictious morality and religion: but any such preponderance funishes the criterion for decadence"

Put some text here ...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006


Yesteray ha a particularly good day, although obviously it had some bad in it. For example I always regret the way I act aroun people, if i meet someone ill regret something about it, useually the regret will be piercing, as it was yesterday, but the good out wieghe the bad.

I'd rather be the dust of the road
And be trampled on by the feet of the poor...

I'd rather be the rivers that flow
And have washerwomen along my shore...

I'd rather be the poplars next to the river
With only the sky above and the water below...

I'd rather be the miller's donkey
And have him beat me and care for me...

Rather this than to go through life
Always looking back and feeling regret...

I went into work in the morning and did a days worth of decorating, which wasnt ba, with enjoyable car rides, and then went to my granddads who lives in a nice quite country area about an hours rive. I especially enjoyed this as we went into the garden, which looks on into the distant crop fields, with the sun blazing above. We spent about two hours out there, and as i said i dissovle in the cinema, i peasently dissolved in the garden. Then came back and smoked quite alot of cannabis, and got a piercing headache from getting my mind going through thinking. Couldnt sleep that night, as it was stifling, and so ended up taking a quick cold shower at 2 in the morning, and after that feel asleep. I awoke after disturbing dreams, to feeling completely out of sorts and disjointed (yin yang is always with me). Went into work but was to depressed to do anything, and so am now back here, doing nothing. But planning to go to the cinema tonight to see the omen.

Monday, June 12, 2006


Went out yesteray as well, and am going out today. I think i will have to go out every day now, since i cant stay at home any more. This means i will have to move (i get caught up in nie daydreams about that), so atleast i will be able to go out for walks, as i cant go out onto the forecourt without some purpose an with someone really, or else the dread of comeing back to it would be unbearble, in case aload of people were out there, and i hate being seen. Im still smoking cannabis, which i will have to stop. I can feel that the time is soon when i will stop it, as happens with me, i get a feeling building up inside of me that continue unconsciously and wait for its culmination.
Yesterday i went out to a book shop, to look for Nietsche by Lou Salome and stormy search for the self, but it had niether of these so i settled for Sickness Unto Death. Im still having truoble reading, but i think this maybe also to do with the cannabis, although before two years ago it use to help me concentrate an take me off the page. Then i went to the cinema an saw X-men, we took the train up there. Throughout all this time, i was worried about being trappe, with no car and having a panic attack with no where to go, but i kept telling myself, in the words of Dave Briggs and Geoff Thompson, that whatever the worst that happens, "I will handle it". Walking to the multiplex wasnt so bad, we got the tickets and sat own in the cinema 15 mins early. I was worrie about the cinema especially once i got inside of there, as what used to happen to me, and did a bit that day, was my "Self" would be lost and blended into the atmosphere of the film, and when the film was over my self woul be naked to the fire of the world, and so PANIC. But this didnt happen as such, it did in a way, but no way near as bad as it used to. I also couldnt really concentrate on it and kept yawning, thats another thing, i dont like to get tired out doors or in the cinema especially or else the same thing happens. So i was a bit paincy afterwars in the book shop, but pulle myself together soon enough.
Today im going to work for a bit then down my uncles

Saturday, June 10, 2006


Been out for the whole day today, and feeling exausted. Went up town, which takes about an hour. Something new has awakened insie of me, and one of the things that comes with it si an intense boredom at staying at home and depression, and a sort of drive to go out. I felt, a i have done recently, fine at the sdtart of the car journey, but i loose it after about half an hour, completely, from staying in the same state and position for too long. My face starts to melt and my mind becomes totally groundless and uncertain, even of my features and face.But as soon as i step out of the car, it all pulls back together again until ive been out for more than half an hour when a crippling self consciousness comes over me, so i went back to the car and stayed there for about another hour.
But for now the boredom has gone and im glad to be back through exaustion.

Friday, June 09, 2006


Went into work for half the day today with my parents, doing decorating. I was going to stay for the whole day but felt exausted after a few hours as im quite out of shape, since coming out of hospital ive not done any exercise as such or very much reading and ive been over eating, which isnt surprising, as for that week in hospital i never ate anything, apart from the few days i came home for an hour, to aviod having to meet all the people, and spent my days just reading with no other stimulus in one bland, small an stuffy room.
This means i can get another order of amazon, which is good as there are a few other books i really want, and will be the last order for a long time.
There are some, who, from obtuseness, or lack of experience, will depricate such phenomena as "folk diseases," with contempt or pity born of their own "healthy mindedness." But, of course, such poor wretches can not imagine how anemic and ghastly their so-called "healthy mindedness" seems in contrast to the glowing life of the Dionysian revellers rushing past them. - Nietzsche, The birth of Tradegy The fortunateness of my existance, its uniqeness perhaps, lies in its fatality: to express it in the form fo a riddle, as my father I have already died, as my mother I still live and grow old. This two fold origin, as it were from the highest ad the lowest rung of the ladder of life, at once decadent and beginning - thisif anything explains that neutrality, that freedom from party in relation to the total problem of life which perhaps distinguishes me ... - with me the spirit moves over the water. . .A couple more signposts from my morality. - Nietzsche, Ecce Homo